Selective Focus

If you're like me, you don't have the time or energy to read a 448 page report detailing findings from a 2 year investigation. Through various sources, I have read several actual excerpts (screen shots from the report itself) that give me a very good idea of its overall contents. I have taken the liberty to compose a short, non-redacted, semi-fictitious piece in the spirit of the Mueller Report in an effort to portray the findings and subsequent reaction to these findings by the Deluded Mob.

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Report: Trump would sit daily amongst discarded fast food bags, after swallowing several hamberders whole, incessantly rambling on Twitter about being the healthiest President to ever take office. On many occasions he would bellow to WH staffers "FIND ME A PUSSY TO GRAB" and "I NEED TO MOVE ON A WOMAN LIKE A BITCH." The staff would generally ignore these inane requests, or they would attempt to calm him down with an Arby's 5 for $5 deal. "I HAVE TO SHOOT SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF FIFTH AVENUE" he'd exclaim, "CAN SOMEONE GO TO GRABAGUN.COM AND GET ME THE BIGGEST ONE?" while guzzling from a bucket of Mountain Dew, aggressively flipping through the latest edition of How to sexually assault and murder people, for Dummies. Through the noise of the slurps and burps and mouth-breathing, faint hollers would often emanate throughout the corridors of the residential wing. Don Jr., tearfully trying to accept these tasks, couldn't figure out how to work the door, as it was a knob, and not a lever. According to many working in the WH, this was a weekly, if not daily scene that needed to be managed - by either something shiny or vat of nuggets from Chick-fil-A. However, due to meddling by WH staff coupled with sheer stupidity, I cannot definitively conclude that Donald Trump has ever murdered or raped anyone.

Deluded Mob: Mueller report is released! "I cannot definitively conclude that Donald Trump has ever murdered or raped anyone." HAHA! Take that you snowflake libtards, OUR PRESIDENT is innocent! He never murdered or raped anyone. Thanks for wasting our time and money for the last two years, DUMBOCRATS. It's time for our supremely Christian and morally-rich Prez to MAGA!

Everyone else:

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You're welcome!